I Crave the Pain

Man and woman pointing at one another




About a week ago I started a book titled, “The 7 Healing Chakras. Unlocking Your Body’s Energy Centers.” This book is one that I am familiar with as I started reading it at the beginning of the year. In fact, it was the first book I bought while I was in North Carolina. Because of the intensity of the book, I was never able to complete it. There were things in my life that I did not want to deal with because of pain. However, not reading the book caused me to face the same demons that I was trying back in January.

In the book, there is a quiz to find out which of your seven chakras are blocked. When I took the quiz again, I was not surprised to see that I made little to no progress. After the book explains in detail about the need of self-healing and what chakras are, it immediately began to break down each chakra. The first chakra that it starts with is the Root Chakra. Of course, this was one of my blocks. The hardest part of dealing with pain is dealing with pain. I had to find out what was causing me to have this blockage and a resolution.

Recently one of my best friends and I were having a conversation about what we wanted in a relationship. At first, I did not think this question was relevant to me. I had my mind made up that I did not want a relationship, and I  did not want anyone to have that to cross their mind. So my friend (Being the awesome person that they are) challenged me to think about the reasons I did not want a relationship. When I thought about it, the only thing I could come up with was that I had been hurt in all of my relationships. It’s not that I did not want a relationship, but I associated it with pain. It was a learned behavior. I felt that is what relationships brought. My parents did not have a successful relationship and mine are not either, so its just better to be single.

Knowing that I did not want a relationship made me think of other things such as why did it took so long to get out of these toxic relationships. I had to search deep inside myself to answer this question. After deep meditation, journaling, and going to the Cross, I finally came up with the answer. I stayed in it as long as I did, because I craved the pain. I know you probably think that I have completely lost my marbles by now. However, I am going to break it down for you. Whenever you have been hurt in a relationship, it seems as if you keep dating people that continue to hurt you. It is because initially, you have let go of the first person that hurt you. If you do not, then you will continue dating the same energy in a different body. Because pain is the only thing that you can still have from this person, you keep it as a comfort.

As we all know, pain is not good for the physical or spiritual being. So the question becomes, “What can you do to end this cycle?” If you are not in a relationship, write down everything you desire in a relationship. Write down the qualities that you want out of an individual. If you are currently in a relationship, I would recommend doing the same exercise. If you find that the person you are with matches those qualities and better you, then that is awesome. If you realize that person does not match those qualities, it is time to release yourself from that kind of toxicity. Sometimes you have to send an “It’s not working out” text. Although it may not be easy to do so, it will pay off in the future.

Learning what I want out of a relationship has opened my eyes to so many possibilities. It has not only allow me to eliminate trash but also taught me how to love myself more. Now I know what kind of person I need to be to have a successful relationship, and what qualities my significant other should possess as well.




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